| f is an a |
[Jan. 13th, 2007|07:09 pm] |
so the visit with f revealed good things. for the first time, i didn't sleep with someone i'm really attracted to even though i had the opportunity. funny because i mentioned this to one of my gay friends who doesn't know i'm trans and he said, "this is why you can never be a gay man." and in my head i was like, "um, i was a gay man for a long time!"
the two of us really connect so i'm hoping things work out in the end. |
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| hands |
[Jan. 5th, 2007|07:27 pm] |
been doing a little bit of jewelry modeling recently. odd that having started out mimicking femininity, i've ended up exemplifying it for some people. makes me think how funny it is that these minute centimeters of flesh make such a difference in our perceptions of people, and how the same qualities that made me uncool as a boy makes me more desirable as a woman.
i transitioned shortly after undergrad, and it's funny to me how so many of my friendships and interactions since then have a dimension of attraction, and how i was so much more cerebral and introverted in college. but there's definitely still a psychological lag between the person i've perceived myself to be and the person i've become. the gap is closing with each passing day. |
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| pink |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|09:30 am] |
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funny... i used to love the color but i'm currently in a down with pink phase. the problem is that i don't have the money to rid my wardrobe of pink things. i have way too many things in that color. i think right now it's symbolizing to me some sort of gender overcompensation. or something like that. |
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| waiting |
[Jan. 3rd, 2007|01:09 am] |
for the first time in my life, i've resolved not to jump in with someone i feel a special connection with and who i'm really attracted to. i think i've officially gotten over one of my pre-transition holdovers, thinking that i should sleep with a guy because will i have another opportunity to sleep with someone so attractive. but as i've discovered, there are a lot of cute boys out there.
there are few, however, who i feel really connected to. he's far away unfortunately, and i'm not even sure if he's truly interested in me in that way, but my friends think it's obvious when i point out the signs. he was the one who offered to visit, and i told him i would visit since he's in a warmer climate. he then made plans to visit me sometime in the spring and is coordinating summer plans with me.
we became myspace friends recently and i looked at his pictures (including one of him shirtless, which should not be on the internet because i keep looking at it). i pointed out another picture that i said was my favorite. lo and behold, a day later, he put it up as his main picture. he also lists jeffrey eugenides' _middlesex_ as one of his favorite books. maybe that means he won't get so terribly freaked out about the trans thing.
deep cleansing breaths... |
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| booties and booties |
[Dec. 29th, 2006|06:50 pm] |
spent the night at n's. it was really great, especially because we've known each other for some time and have become close friends. sleeping together just seemed like a natural extension. funny though... he's really open and has trans friends so i thought he would know that i'm trans but i got the sense that he didn't. not sure if he knows now... i highly doubt it would affect things too much. he went to work and i stayed at his place to get more sleep. he texted me to check in. i'm going to his new year's party in a couple of days.
i decided that nothing is going to happen when i visit f in a week and a half. i've had this tendency the past couple of years not to let relaitonships evolve organically, and i think i want that to change. i think i want to wait and get to know him a bit more, even though i have a HUGE crush on him.
really ambivalent about the fact that i tend to have high aesthetic standards. i think i still have remnants of being in awe that these really attractive guys who wouldn't have given me the time of day pre-transition are into me now. not that i sleep with assholes or anything, but i feel like i don't spend enough time getting to know people before i get involved, and i tend to dismiss people outright because of their looks.
substance over surface. that's a new year's resolution. |
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| boobies and booties |
[Dec. 27th, 2006|12:32 pm] |
damn my sister has really nice breasts. :) as much as i love her, i always have moments of envy when i'm with my sister. she's way too attractive for her own good.
i'm having dinner tomorrow with this guy i've known for almost a year but haven't done anything with because i've been in a relationship the entire time we've known each other. but now that i'm single i think it might happen, who knows. dinner at eight and drinks afterwards = potential trouble. the thing that i look forward to about possibly sleeping with him is that given the things we've talked about, i'm absolutely sure he wouldn't be concerned about the trans thing. so i think i would be less self-conscious.
though i have a huge crush on someone else. he lives far away. we were hoping to go to the same grad program but didn't get accepted to any of the same ones. it's the first time we've both been single the entire time we've known each other. so now that i'm visiting him for a few days i'm wondering if he's at all interested. he's offered to visit me, meet up in a city between the two of us, and coordinate summer plans. i think those are clear signs, but one is never sure.
i wish i can turn off my libido for a couple of years so i can get some work done. |
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| TMI |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|01:21 pm] |
here's a post about specific post-srs things that's a bit tmi, so i'm putting it under a cut...
( Read more... ) |
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| a weirdo trannie's guide to passing |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|08:19 pm] |
factors that make it easier for me to pass, some of which i realize reeks of transphobia.
1. really supportive parents
it occurs to me that because my parents are quite supportive and have visited me on campus (i'm a grad student) and have met many of my friends, people i know are used to thinking of my family as having always had me as a daughter.
2. boyfriends, lots of boyfriends
a long history of heterosexual dating helps, especially people meeting people you've dated. my friends think of me as that cute girl who goes through boys, but really, it's because i have way too many issues to actually maintain a longterm relationship. regardless, people assume that a boyfriend would be able to tell. funny thing is that they typically don't. actually, the ones who are attracted to you are the ones most invested in your being a woman.
3. being queer-friendly
oddly enough, i don't follow the "go to a small town and stay away from queer people" model. i've transitioned to such a degree that i can be around queer people without being id'd. i once told my gay friend bryan that i've been mistaken for a gay man at gay clubs and he was like: "i don't believe you." strange.
4. not getting too hung up on gender stereotypes
i go for weeks without wearing makeup. post-transition, i've cut my hair so short that the back of my head was shaved. i have awesome biceps. comfort with one's gender for a person of my generation also means being comfortable not conforming to gender expectations.
5. be comfortable in your own skin
this takes time, but i think people who meet me by and large get the impression that i like me and am happy to be me and wouldn't want to be anyone else. i also am by and large a psychologically healthy person. it's sad but i think people still associate transgenderism with mental illness. |
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| all about the period |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|07:09 pm] |
i have so far made every attempt not to lie to people in the processing of not being out to them, though this becomes harder and harder as i become close to them, especially because i'm a really open person generally. usually, the problem shows up in the area of birth control and menstruation-related topics. i happily dispense advice and talk to friends about these issues without ever talking about my own preferred contraceptive method, or whether i use tampons or pads. it's very strange.
and then i had this hilarious conversation with one of my best friends sarah the other day. i've been teaching her how to knit, and she's not very good at rolling balls of yarn yet, so i roll her balls for her. we regularly laugh about this. so after i finished rolling her balls, i said, "aren't you glad i'm here to make your balls nice and soft?" and she was like, "i wish i could do you the same favor, but i don't think your ovaries would like it."
then we had this long discussion about aspects of being male that we wished we had. she talked about using a strapon once and how good it felt. and i talked about not liking how i feel like i'm constantly being looked at when i'm out. this is all true. i prefer being a woman but there are certainly aspects about being a man that i really liked. but it's so strange to be having these conversations without the other person knowing about this other layer of your identity.
it's also very strange to pass in such a way that even my queer friends don't know that i'm trans. i think this is partly because i'm really open about being genderqueer myself, of not feeling particularly tied to gender. but this results in people thinking of me as having ftm tendencies. this is when i realize that there's still a lot of privilge associated with living in one's perceived birth gender, regardless of how queer-identified a person is.
the problem with coming out in this small collegetown i live in is that even if i tell people i trust, i would still be left feeling concerned tha they'll tell people they trust. so i just keep my mouth shut. |
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| problems with "stealth"... |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|03:34 pm] |
... as a term. it implies that one is hiding something, or going under the reader. it's inherently transphobic, i think. it doesn't take into account there are different kinds and qualities of truth.
that said, i also have these big problems with the idea that i'm suddenly disavowing my history just because i'm not public right now about my particular relationship to transgenderism. i very much talk about trans issues and fight against discrimination in general. funny enough, people around me tend to view me as having ftm tendencies these days, which is kind of funny and also kind of true. |
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| what's new (or boobies) |
[Dec. 19th, 2006|02:47 pm] |
i'm a longtime livejournal user who has decided to start a new journal for reasons that will become obvious as i continue to write. i'm a postop transsexual who isn't out on livejournal, or currently where i'm living. but it occurs to me that i have things in my head that i want to let out, so i decided to write them here.
the big news of the past couple of days is that my breasts are still growing. after four years of being on hormones, they're still growing. i've been experiencing a growth spurt the past couple of weeks. they've been tender and it just seems like they've been growing overnight. i think i'm probably not going to be an A-cup pretty soon.
growing breasts is fun. mine have always been pretty full but i've always considered their lack of size a bit of a liability datingwise. now they're fast becoming an asset, especially because they're totally new so they're very perky. how funny...
aside from the sex change operation, i haven't had any other surgeries and i'm pretty ok with that. oddly, i think i would be less comfortable if i did, even though maybe visibly i would look more womanly. i don't know. such funny things to think about. |
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